The Prison
Feelings locked away inside me for over 20 years
This might be the piece that I’m most proud of. Long before I ever knew what it meant to be genderfluid, long before I let myself feel anything, long before I considered the possibility that I might be trans and eventually had my egg crack, these feelings sat inside me unexplored. My female self was a part of me, but not one that I allowed to come out.
And I buried her. As deep as I possibly could. Because I was afraid.
The first time I can remember thinking about these feelings was sometime in 2001. And at the time, it wasn’t a very friendly place for LGBTQ+ people. Massachusetts wouldn’t legalize same-sex marriage until the next year. George W. Bush had just won the presidency, and he ushered in a Republican Party that proved anything but the compassionate conservatism he had pushed.
And as a teenager in a rural red area, you’re not supposed to have feelings of wanting to try on a dress or have your hair done or get your nails painted. You’re not supposed to think about what it would be like to be one of the girls or to have those kinds of experiences. And this being the era before the internet took off and being surrounded by religion and small-town life, I felt completely alone.
And so I built the walls that kept her locked up. And I secured her. Because she was a part of me, but not one I was ready to know, not one I was ready to understand and certainly not one I was ready to embrace.
But while I could keep her locked away, I couldn’t silence her completely.
She’d pop up briefly in my thoughts when it was safe, or when I’d see something pretty that I’d secretly want to wear myself. And each time, I buried her again and tried to forget about the feelings I had.
It wasn’t fair to hide this part of myself. Not to me, not to the world, not to anyone. And it literally was a prison. A prison of my own making, a prison meant to protect, but a prison nonetheless.
And yet, it was necessary for so long. On this Trans Day of Remembrance, I think about my prison and how I needed it to avoid becoming one of those departed souls we remember today. Because I wasn’t ready for her to be free, not until just recently.
The Prison
I stare at the ceiling Light filtered by bars I hold deep inside me The pain and the scars As long as I’ve known life My home’s been this cell It isn’t a great place But it’s better than Hell. I’ve counted the hours Lost track of the days And wondered if anyone Might ever see my face Beside me, the jailer He carries the keys The whole time I’ve been here He’s never once been at peace. The gray walls surround me Until the end of all time Despite the cold fact I’ve committed no crime. The jailer permits me To hear the outside It’s what he can do A way to apologize I hear someone stirring A person I love I’ve always admired The work that he does He’s heading off somewhere Off chasing a dream I wish he could know I’m always on his team But he can’t yet know me For that would destroy He wouldn’t want me locked Not this special boy She’s bidding him farewell The love he holds true I hope she can feel me Because I love her too. Her voice, so inviting Her eyes are so kind Her words make me smile In this prison of mine She gives him a purpose She makes him feel strong While I’m locked up in here She carries him along And for that I love her She’s saving us both While he bears the burden She fuels our shared growth I think she would love me If I could be free But I’ve no way of knowing When that day might be I might get a moment Of where I might speak Outside, for a second A safe time to peek Or maybe I’ll get time While he’s on the road Alone, inside his thoughts I come in from the cold But this one’s important He’s wanted this bad And so I keep silent Though it makes me sad I always go with him At least in my heart But never leave my cell Because hiding’s an art He’s hugging her tightly And gives her a kiss I’m so glad when he leaves He’s got her to miss For she keeps him focused Where I would distract His love for her’s real And I’m just an act Oh, I know he loves me Or would if he knew And I love them enough To not speak the truth Because I don’t belong here And I never did But for my own safety I was locked up and hid He’s ready for action There’s his excited shout I retreat to my prison My time has run out I see the jailer’s face So weary, so worn I know deep in his heart He truly is torn He wants to allow me A chance to escape To put this behind me, At last leave this place But those aren’t his orders And he hates his work Every time that he does this He feels like a jerk The jailer locks me up I’m waving goodbye I hold it together I don’t want to cry For I want this badly As much as he does Because his successes They fuel both of us Someday might be better Where he could allow This unjustly imprisoned To finally be let out. So I stare at my ceiling In the darkness of night With hopes of the day I could step to the light
:)